Sorry's Not Good Enough
by A. Zap
Summary: In the midst of the ruins of Dean's rampage, Castiel lies beaten and broken. He knows that he should get up or go after Dean, but he can't help but think about what lead to this point. And even worse than his wounds is the pain of knowing that this is probably, somehow, his fault. Coda to 10x22 "The Prisoner." One-sided Destiel? Companion to "Not Strong Enough."


**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of its associated characters. I'm not making money from this, so why does it even matter?  
**

 **Companion story to "Not Strong Enough."**

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Sorry's Not Good Enough

"Next time, I won't miss." With those final words, Dean had walked away and all Cas had been able to do was lie there.

Castiel didn't know how long he had remained lying on the floor. In some way, he felt it didn't matter because Dean was gone. There was probably a small spark of the hunter left, but as he glanced at the blade with his eye that wasn't swollen and noted how close it was, it obviously was not much.

The angel was exhausted as he lay there. He couldn't find it in him to even attempt to get up. It was more than the fact that pain radiated out of every part of his body. His ribs were broken, his arm was broken, his face was broken, and his spirit was broken.

However, more than anything else, his heart was broken.

Castiel had failed.

He brought up his left arm, the one that wasn't broken, and the crook of his elbow fell over his eyes. Everything hurt, but he had a reason. A single tear ran down his face at the thought of what had happened. It was only the second time he had ever cried, the first being when he had thought that Dean had been killed by Metatron.

Now, Dean was as good as dead, because the Mark would not release its hold and Charlie was dead after trying so hard to help them cure it. So what if Rowena managed to translate the Book and find a cure? After all, Dean was right in that there was always a cost, and it usually ended in blood and tears.

How on Earth could he have let this happen? Where had it all gone wrong?

Perhaps he should have gone after Charlie himself. He had been closer so he would have gotten to her quicker, and then he could have disposed of the Stynes or healed her. At the very least, he should have paid more attention when he went to lock up Rowena and prevented her from leaving. If Charlie hadn't died, Dean would have had no reason to go on a killing spree.

Perhaps he should have convinced Sam, from even before they broke into Heaven, that keeping secrets from Dean would not end well. Of course, he had never expected that it would extend to working with Rowena of all people and adding Charlie's aid, but the principle remained. Keeping secrets, as both Charlie and he had reminded Sam, never worked out with them.

Perhaps he should have stayed with the Winchesters after curing Dean from being a demon instead of assuming that Sam would take care of it and going to help Hannah. It wouldn't have been the first time that he had chosen the two over his heavenly duties, but he had truly wanted to make up for his sins against Heaven. Besides, the boys had made it clear, after other incidences, that they didn't really need him to there unless it was an emergency.

Perhaps he should have put a stop to this when he first learned that Dean had the Mark. Surely it would have been easier to get rid of it then, when he had barely even touched the Blade. However, circumstances had lead him towards Metatron while the brothers had gone after Abbadon. He should have known better.

Perhaps he shouldn't have stayed with Sam after releasing him from Gadreel. However, the Winchester had been injured and Dean would have been furious with him if he hadn't stayed. Still, that one act had lead to Crowley getting his claws in Dean and leading him to Cain, where he became convinced that receiving the Mark was a good idea.

Why couldn't Dean have learned from the angel's own mistakes?

Cas lowered his arm and it made a dull thump as it hit the floor. He stared up at the ceiling. He knew that he should move, make some effort to get up. After all, Sam was surely on his way and there was no telling how the hunter was going to take this.

He really couldn't muster the energy to move.

Castiel sighed and closed his eyes. His mind drifted among different thoughts.

He and Sam had been worrying about Dean for a while, but now, with Charlie's death, everything had come to a head.

He had never thought that Dean would truly try to hurt him even with the Mark. The hunter had always been strong and risen above anyone who had tried to control him or make him hurt the people he considered family. Dean was the carer, the protector, and he would never intentionally hurt his family.

The only exception was when Dean had broken in Hell, but considering that both Heaven and Hell had been conspiring against him, Cas couldn't hold it against him.

Still, Dean had killed that boy. He was probably around Kevin's age, and he hadn't been like the other Stynes. He hadn't deserved this fate.

And Cas couldn't let Dean leave. If Dean were in his right mind, he would hate himself. So, Cas had made the only offer he could: he would stay with Dean for the rest of time, even when everyone else was dead. He would stay and he would try his best to stop Dean from becoming a monster.

It was the first time, since he had told Dean of their profound bond, that Castiel had articulated his feelings so clearly. He wanted to be by the hunter's side forever, no matter what the circumstances were.

Castiel loved Dean. Not in a brotherly way, he was actually _in love_ with Dean. His feelings were stronger than his love for either humanity or Heaven, and though some part of him thought that that might be wrong, he couldn't help it.

And Dean had rejected him. He didn't know if that thought hurt him more than his wounds. Of course, he didn't even know if Dean had understood what he was implying. It was possible that like so many other times, he hadn't been clear enough. The rejection could also have been a result of the Mark. In that case, he would probably never learn how the human really felt.

There had been times that the angel had thought that Dean might return his feelings. There had been times when he had been sure that he had sensed longing directed towards him.

Then, again, Castiel was probably grasping at straws to make himself feel better.

The rejection hadn't stopped there. All Cas had done was reach out and place his hand on the human's shoulder, like he had done several times before, but Dean had broken his arm.

Castiel hadn't seen the beating coming. Still, he found himself on the defensive and he couldn't bring himself to fight back. He didn't want to hurt Dean, as much as he wanted to stop him. And now he was lying on the ground like the broken angel he was.

The biggest shock had come when Dean had taken his angel blade. For the first time since they met, Cas had thought that Dean was truly going to kill him. It had never occurred to Cas that that would happen, but it had been a close thing. Part of him wondered what had stopped the hunter from doing the deed.

At the time, Castiel had gazed up at the hunter who held his blade at the ready and painfully lifted his hand, the one that was attached to his broken arm, and managed to clutch Dean's wrist.

" _Dean."_ The words had just managed to pass through his lips. _"Please."_

Castiel hadn't been begging for his life. In all seriousness, he couldn't bring himself to care about himself that much. What prompted him to ask Dean to stop, to beg, was that Dean would undoubtedly be in pain if he died, especially by the hunter's own hand. There was still that spark, that had obviously responded, but it was faint. Sam had told the angel a bit about how Dean had reacted after Leviathans had killed him. If Dean ever really was cured, Castiel didn't want his death to be on his conscience. His motivation was more to protect Dean than himself.

It seemed to have worked, as Cas was miraculously still alive.

Yet he still couldn't get up. The pain was fading now, though not because his injuries were healing. The angel fell into a slight meditative trance, almost like sleep, and his thoughts slowed down. He knew that was actually a bad thing, but he didn't really care as long as it stopped hurting as much.

Castiel wondered if perhaps he had deserved that beating. After all, it seems that he had failed Dean one too many times.

Cas was jolted from his daze by a worried voice.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God." There was a clatter of a gun dropping to the floor followed by the thump of someone following. Hands, gentle in response to his injuries but also jarring in their urgency, began to shake him. Dimly, the angel realized that Sam was back. "C'mon, Cas, open your eyes." His voice dropped. "Don't be dead."

He couldn't resist that, not when Sam was so obviously distressed. The angel mustered up his strength in order to assure the younger Winchester.

Castiel forced his good eye to open. "Sam." His voice was a lot rougher than usual and it hurt to talk, but Cas tried to show that he was okay by forcing a smile.

It didn't work.

"Cas!" Sam looked even more worried than he had been of late. He helped the angel sit upright. "You're…" He looked like he was about to say, "alright," but he changed it to "alive."

Well, Castiel could admit that he was at least that.

"Yes." He answered, blinking back at the spots that were forming in his vision. Cas was glad for the hand against his back, because he knew that he would have flopped right over without it.

"Cas," Sam's voice grew serious, and the angel blinked up at him. "Did Dean…" Cas could see his Adam's apple bob as he forced himself to swallow. "Did Dean do this?"

Cas looked away. He knew he couldn't lie, both the Winchesters always seemed to know when he even tried. Still, he didn't want to admit it. He didn't want to see Sam's expression fall when he realized how far gone Dean was. His silence was answer enough though and he heard Sam take in a sharp breath in response to his realization.

"I'm sorry." Castiel said instead, and if he could, he would have winced.

How many times had he said that he was sorry? It didn't matter that he always was, no matter what Anna had said when he had been ordered to hunt her down. Whenever he had messed up, time and time again, Dean had told him that sorry wasn't good enough.

"You're – " To the angel's surprise, Sam looked shocked at his words. The hunter blinked. Then his eyes narrowed, a bit of fire flaming up in them as he grasped the angel tightly. "This is not your fault."

Cas ignored that. After all, it really was. "I couldn't stop, Dean." He said instead, a flash of pain searing through him as Sam adjusted his grip and shifted him. It was accompanied by another flare of agony, though that was mostly due to the reminder of how he failed.

Sam shifted him, and Cas blinked in surprise to find that he was being hugged. "It's not your fault." Sam gave a bitter chuckle. "After all, since when has anyone been able to stop Dean when he's put his mind to something."

Despite how true that was, it didn't relieve Cas's pain. "I'm sorry." He said again, though he found himself curling unconsciously into Sam's embrace. While his feelings for Sam were nothing like his feelings for Dean, the younger brother was still his friend. With all of the losses they had had lately, the angel found himself subtly drawn towards the comfort.

"I know, Cas." Sam reassured him, his hand reaching up to tentatively stroke Cas's hair, much like the angel had seen parents do to their children when they are hurt or upset.

"He wanted me to kill him." Cas said softly, and he was a little surprised by the admission. It wasn't like Dean had told him not to tell anyone about their conversation at the restaurant when they had been looking for Claire, but he had never had any intention of telling Sam about it. He felt the Winchester stiffen. "If things got bad, he told me to kill him, no matter what."

Sam loosened a bit but at the same time, his hold tightened.

"I can't." Castiel finally admitted. He felt another tear trickle down his face. "I can't kill Dean." His voice was rougher than it was a few moments ago, and he had no clue why. He didn't even know why he was saying this. It seemed like everything was just catching up to him. "Why does everyone keep telling me to kill him?"

Wasn't that the truth? It seemed like literally everyone had told him to kill Dean. His superiors in Heaven, Crowley, Naomi, Hannah, and even Dean himself had told him to do so.

As if he ever could.

Cas didn't understand how Dean could have asked him. He had thought the hunter would understand. Naomi had literally brainwashed him, put him under her direct control, and had him kill thousands of fake Deans in the hopes that he would kill him. Not even that had worked though.

Castiel could never kill Dean, no matter how bad things had gotten. He would rather die first.

"It's okay, Cas." And wasn't that the biggest lie the angel had ever heard? It was the type of lie that he could never hope to say and get away with.

"I'm sorry." Cas noticed that his breathing was getting erratic. It didn't seem to entirely stem from his broken ribs.

"Yeah, I know, but it's not your fault." Sam finally drew away, worry and pain in his eyes. His gaze again ran over Cas's body. "Are you going to be okay?"

Shame flashed through Cas though it had nothing to do with his failure or his injuries. "Yes, but…" He looked away.

"But?"

"What Metatron did… my Grace is damaged. I will heal, but it will take longer." He managed to say. Castiel hated to admit that he didn't know if his Grace would ever truly recover. He didn't want to think of it or the fact that he had no clue where Metatron was at the moment.

"Okay." Sam nodded. With a swift moment, Cas found himself being lifted up into the air. He gave a sharp gasp of pain at being moved and he blinked the black dots out of his eyes that had suddenly returned. "Sorry." Sam grunted, moving further into the Bunker and away from the bodies.

"What?" Castiel looked around somewhat stiffly.

"You can recover in your room. We'll clean you up a bit and then you can sleep." Sam said as he carried the angel down the hall.

Cas's brow furrowed a bit. "My room?" He asked.

Sam gave a distracted nod as he struggled to open the door to a semi-familiar room without dropping him. "Yeah." Cas blinked as he recognized the space that he had used a few times before when injured. Sam gently laid him on the bed before walking quickly out. "Back in a sec."

Cas settled down a bit and looked around the room. He had never thought of it as his, just as a place where the Winchesters allowed him to crash, somewhat literally. His heart hurt at the thought, because he really didn't deserve to have a place at the Bunker, especially not after his latest screw-up.

Sam walked back in with a bowl of water and a washcloth. "Okay." He dampened the cloth and then lightly brushed it against Cas's face, getting rid of the blood and ignoring the tear track that cut through the grime.

At this point, Castiel recognized that he was feeling sleepy. He brought up his hand once more and grabbed Sam's hand. "I'm sorry." He murmured.

Sam sighed, and his face softened as he tried to give a reassuring look. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. Even if you did, it wouldn't be you who would be to blame." A dark look passed over his face. It was gone before the angel could even try to comment on it. "Go to sleep, Cas. You'll feel better."

"But Dean – the cure – " Castiel had to make him understand. It was frustrating because he knew that Dean would have gotten what he was trying to say by now.

"Let it me handle it for now." A familiar, steely look returned to Sam's eyes, and Cas knew it well enough to know that he didn't want to be the one in the Winchester's way. "I've got an idea to make Rowena help."

"But…" Cas's consciousness was drifting away before he could finish the thought. Sam's gentle ministrations certainly helped him along.

Sam didn't understand though. Cas had to help find this cure and fix Dean. He had to clean up this mess that he surely could have prevented. He had to save Dean.

Even if he had failed at everything else it seemed, he had to at least do this right and save the one he loved. Because no matter what Sam said, this was surely his fault. And it didn't matter how much he said he was sorry about it, as Dean would say, sorry wasn't good enough.

As he finally succumbed to his wounds, that was his final thought.

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 _AN: So this is sort of a coda to 10x22 "The Prisoner." It goes along with another story I wrote, so I decided to connect the two. I already had this sort of idea in mind after I saw the episode, but I wanted to focus more on what Dean was feeling when it happened. I think Cas probably managed to turn the guilt back to himself, which is part of the reason he's so willing to do whatever it takes, even more so, to cure Dean in the finale. My only question is how long there is in between the two episodes since Castiel looked alright in the finale. I don't think he was healing all that fast though. And now he's in even greater trouble due to Rowena. I hope our beloved baby in a trenchcoat makes it out alright. In other news, I'm thrilled about the Supreme Court's decision to make marriage an option for all people in the US regardless of sexual orientation. It's historic and things are looking up a bit here in America. I hope this means that ships like Destiel can come true soon. After all, what excuse can they use now?  
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